Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two tables" and "Keep away from Children." --Author Unknown.
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey.
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy.
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving a child's life, she will choose to save the infant without even considering if there's a man on base." --Dave Barry.
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay. And the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger.
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, OMG...I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us Geography." --Paul Rodriquez.
"A study in the Washington Post says women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that: DUH." --Conan O'Brien.
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. --Author Unknown.