Friday Forwards - #46

FIFTY SHADES OF INFOMERCIALS

Since I live in the Midwest, I get to listen to Kidd Kraddick in the Morning every day on the way to work. When I heard this one live, I almost drove off the side of the road I was laughing so hard.

Thank goodness I found it on YouTube so I could share it with you!  Man, wouldn't it be nice if one of my books became so wildly famous people made fun of it on morning radio? Oh, how I wish! *Dreamy sigh*  Maybe someday.

Have a Happy Friday!  

Friday Forwards - #45

I found today's Friday Forwards on the Hott Books blog. Regina over there said it had been forwarded to her as well, but she didn't mind if I borrowed it today.  So let the forwarding begin!

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!

3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25 A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs… A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

Friday Forwards - #44

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... and he needed a loan, so ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer Told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Ole Miss University , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

You can thank the acquisitions editor at Liquid Silver Books for this joke!!

Friday Forwards - #34

New State Mottos

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi -&- Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! -&- We Also Take American Money

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasee Ain't Everything

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your
Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are
Real Good -or- Potatoes and Neo Nazi's... What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States -&- Where Science Don't Mean Squat

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes"

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die -&- Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot? -&- Where Men Are Men and Sheep Are Sacred

Friday Forwards - #33

Sorry, but I have a little bit of promo news before I share my Friday Forwards.

FIRST, I was interviewed by the lovely blogger, Courtney, over at Courtney's Book Nook, so you can check that out if you're so inclined. Then I was spotlighted over at wonderful DeAnn Sicard's Blog, A Writer's Guide to Words.


Okay, Let the FRIDAY FORWARDING commence!!

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" his wife demanded."I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.""You lying @#$%! You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity. "So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home."I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase."My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door."Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner. She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too. "No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer."Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a thing."


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Friday Forwards - #32

ZEN AND THE WISDOM OF LIFE

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Friday Forwards - #31

***(There's a new, young blogger out there named Courtney. She's celebrating her two-month bloggoversary at http://courtneysbooknook.blogspot.com/ and wants twenty followers if anyone is interested. I met her on Goodreads. She likes young adult books and is a total sweetheart.)***

And now for my Friday Forwards!

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN:

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes." ......aka(unto the Holy Ghost:)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama,
look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Friday Forwards - #30

BEST BUSINESS SLOGANS

At an Optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Plumber’s Shop:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumbing Shop:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call us.”

Pizza Shop Slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out.”

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
“We’re #1 in the #2 business.”

On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be de-Lighted.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Please drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you sent in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

At a Propane Filling Station :
"Thank heaven for little grills."

On a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"

Friday Forwards - #29

Children's Science Exam Answers

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you are eight.

Friday Forwards - #28

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Friday Forwards - #27

Interesting Facts about Human Body


-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.


-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.


-You use 200 muscles to take one step.


-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.


-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.


-A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.


-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.


-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.


-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.


-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.


-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.


-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.


-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.


-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.


-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.


-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.


-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.


-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.


At this very moment I know well you are putting this last fact to the test...
...now remove your thumb from your nose and move on the next blog!!!

Friday Forwards - #26

An Irishman , a Mexican and an idiot were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The idiot opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The idiot opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.


At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the idiot's wife. The idiot's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

Friday Forwards - #25

After all the devastating stories I've seen and heard about this week, I say it's time for some super good news....

So first, I'm sending a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS to the lovely, wonderful, totally sweet MARIE ROSE DUFOUR, who is one of the best blogging buddies a person can have and is about to be a--wait for it--published author. SQUEAL!!!!! She just sold her first book this week to Secret Cravings Publishing. There's nothing better than the euphoria of that first sale. I'm so very happy Marie Rose is tasting that joy!

To keep the smiles coming, here's a new Friday Forwards:


**********

MISUNDERSTOOD SUNDAY SCHOOL STORIES

LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?

''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'


HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES & THE RED SEA:
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task, but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, And He just then did!"

TIME TO PRAY:
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir," the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

BEWARE OF TRASH:
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together.

As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER:
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Friday Forwards - #24

--JUST ASK A KID--

Q: How do you decide who to marry?

A: You got to find somebody who likes that same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and I coming –Alan, age 10.

A: No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with—Kristen, age 10.


Q: What is the right age to get married?

A: Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then—Camille, age 10.


Q: How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

A: You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.


Q: What do you think your mom and dad have in common?

A: Both don’t want any more kids—Lori, age 8.


Q: What do most people do on a date?

A: Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough—Lynn, age 8.

A: On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date—Martin, age 10.


Q: When is it okay to kiss someone?

A: When they’re rich—Pam, age 7.

A: The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that—Curt, age 7.

A: The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do—Howard, age 8.


Q: Is it better to be single or married?

A: It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them—Anita, age 9.


Q: How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?

A: There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there—Kelvin, age 8.


Q: How would you make a marriage work?

A: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck—Rick, age 10.

Friday Forwards - #23

Thanks so much to Amber Skyze for forwarding this joke! If anyone has more, I'd love to share. Just contact me at Linda(at)LindaKage(dot)com.

Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Friday Forwards - #22

Here's another fun email I had forwarded to me! I'm starting to run dry, so if anyone has some great jokes you receive on your email please feel free to forward them to me at Linda(at)Linda Kage(dot)com. I'll make sure they get posted (but they have to be somewhat clean--public forum here, remember!!).

I LOVE MY JOB!

I love my job. I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location. I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day.
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their jeers and leers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software; I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file, I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am.
I love this work. I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today, in clean white coats to take me away!!!

Friday Forwards - #21

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States


Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman


Dear Forrest,
What're are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get.
Sincerely,
Jenny


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google


Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns


Sadly, this is the last of my Friday Forwards joke post. I hoped you have enjoyed reading the fun emails I had forwarded to me, for they will post no more...

Okay, fine. I'm kidding. I've always sucked at April Fools. Hope you all can pull a better joke than I can't.

HAPPY APRIL 1!

Friday Forwards - #20

A NEW GROCERY STORE CONCEPT


A new supermarket opened.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal-grilled steaks.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped beer.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.



I don't buy toilet paper there anymore. . .

Friday Forwards - #19

~~Not too clean, but still funny~~

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "New Brunswick."

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick."

"I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."


~~You know what they say about lawyers; they'll screw you every time~~

Friday Forwards - #17

Today's forwards weren't technically forwarded to me. When I discovered Hoffa's middle name, I had to come up with a post for it. So alas, we have....


Odd and Ironic Facts

Jimmy Hoffa's middle name was RIDDLE.

***

Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.

***

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds!

***

First-cousin marriages are legal in Utah, so long as both parties are 65 or older!

***

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye"!

***

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

***

Whale hunting is strictly prohibited throughout the entire state of Oklahoma.

***

A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

***

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

***

Wet sand weighs less than dry sand.

***

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!

***

Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

***

One out of every 43 prisoners escapes from jail. 94% are recaptured.

***

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos!

***

Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".

***

No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!

***

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

***

During World War II, the very first bomb dropped on Berlin by the Allies killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo

***

Cellophane is not made of plastic. It is made from a plant fiber, cellulose, which has been shredded and aged.


=======================

Sources :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Hoffa

http://forum.caithness.org/archive/index.php/t-12789.html

http://www.bitoffun.com/fun_facts.htm

http://www.thecryptmag.com/Online/29/RandomFacts.html

http://www.strangefacts.com/facts1.html