Friday Forwards - #7

It's Friday Forwards time again (my sharing with you of funny emails I get forwarded to me).

Today, I actually have a source for my post. It comes from the website One Sentence (True Stories Told in One Sentence).

And remember : if you have some great jokes you receive on your emails, please feel free to forward them to me at Linda(at)Linda Kage(dot)com. I'll make sure they get posted (but they have to be clean--public forum here, remember!!).

True Stories Told In One Sentence

When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie and I just now realized at the age of 19 that she did this because she's a funeral director.


My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Funny" and has been using it all over the internet.


The worst thing about secret girlfriends is that when they get hit by cars you're not supposed to cry.


It was the perfect revenge, until I came home and the cops were already waiting for me.


As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.


My online dating service matched me with my cousin.


My friend Bob loved his vinyl records so much that he used to obsess about which ones to save if his house caught fire but when it actually happened he chose his girlfriend instead.


Arriving home after sitting in traffic for two hours, I said to myself, "Oh, wait, I don't live here anymore."


I know 18 digits of pi and can recite the quadratic equation, but I still need to make an L with my hand to find out where left is.


It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion.


His efforts were so valiant, I didn't have the heart to tell him it was front clasp.


Three years into my English major, I finally ran out of BS.


I married my husband on our first date, but it has taken me more than 5 years to decide what colour to paint our dining room.


I was nearly sent to the hospital because I could not convince the school nurse that my head had always been this shape.

If Only She Could Talk

WHAT WOULD SHE SAY???

(Lydia at eleven weeks)


Ooh...Ahh...Whatever could that thing be up there?

A bird? A plane? Superman?

Nope. It's just a toucan, monkey and tree frog. But still...how fascinating.

Yes, I know. I'm gorgeous in summer apparel, right?

This outfit is so not working for me. Put the other back on. Mom!
Take-it-off-take-it-off-take-it-off!!!!

Ahh. Much better. But seriously. Last picture. No More.

Mother, weren't you listening? Last picture. And enough of the hat. The hat has to go.

Lessons Learned...The Rejection Way #5

Recurring Repetitiveness

Some bloggers out there are amazing about giving writing advice, it makes me jealous. I’ve always wanted to be able to use my fourteen years of writing experience to somehow help others, but I still don’t feel as if I have any useful knowledge to share. The only thing I'm good at is making mistakes…so, I started my “Lessons Learned” series, and decided to share my mistakes to help others.

Here is the fifth reason I’ve received a rejection for a submitted manuscript.

I usually receive rejections for problems with the actual storyline itself. Plot complications. But on one (okay, maybe two) rejections, I was lectured for my actual writing style. I tend to repeat myself, or at least add extra stuff I really don’t need to add.

Here’s an example. I like to say stuff like, “He kicked her with his foot,” or “He felt himself smile.” Or “He really shouldn’t get so much satisfaction from hurting his sister, he thought.” In each of those phrases, I can tighten and cut out a lot of repetitive, unnecessary stuff.

On the first sentence, I should’ve cut out “with his foot” because, honestly, what else would he kick her with? His ear?

Next, always try to erase the word feel, felt, or feeling if you can help it (or so I’ve learned). The second sentence would’ve been much tidier if I’d simply said, “He smiled.”

And finally…if you’re writing from one person’s point of view, you really don’t need to add “he thought” since we’re pretty much reading everything he’s thinking already.

Ergo, the three lines should go a little something more like: Jack kicked her and smiled. He really shouldn’t get so much satisfaction from hurting his sister.

But that’s just receptiveness on the sentence level. I’ve also been accused of doing it on the paragraph level. I’ll describe something in one sentence, and then in the next line, I’ll say basically the same thing another way. So, stay on the lookout for that too; try to cut out as much as you can.

Good luck with your WIP.

Aurora Interview

Yep, it's happened again.

I've been blog interviewed.

If you're curious to see what I had to say to The Long and Short of It : Aurora reviewers, then head over to their Interview Blog site and knock yourself out!

Enjoy.

Friday Forwards - # 6

It's Friday Forwards time again (my sharing with you of funny emails I get forwarded to me). If anyone ever finds out where these forwards originate, let me know so I can credit the source. Also, if you have some great jokes you receive on your emails, please feel free to forward them to me at Linda(at)Linda Kage(dot)com and I'll make sure they get posted (but they have to be clean--public forum here, remember!!).

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER.

PLEASE USE

FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING

MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL

YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE

LIGHT GOES OUT

In a Memphis department store:

BARGAIN

BASEMENT

UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK

THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE

BRING IT BACK OR

FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER COFFEE BREAK

STAFF SHOULD EMPTY

THE COFFEE POT AND

STAND UPSIDE DOWN

ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES,

WASHING MACHINES,ETC.

WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE

ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED

DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS

PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,

THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO

CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,

BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ,

THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.

(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE

DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Learning Character

She's two months old, and my little girl is already gaining her own attitude. Here's what I've learned about her already:

1. She likes to eat. The bottle is good.

2. If you do not feed her within every three hours, she lets you know she's hungry. Loudly...and nothing will satisfy her until she's had her bottle (yes, she is a single-minded, stubborn child).

3. Daytime naps have become overrated (makes me almost miss those days she slept all day).

4. Sleep time is something she feels the need to fight (though she is sleeping lots better at night once she'll finally pass out).

5. Though she likes to snooze until eight or nine each day, she's actually a very happy morning person (that's the best time to coax a smile out of her anyway).

6. She has awesome neck control; a little bobble head going on, but she still amazes me by her strength.

8. She loves watching her older cousins stand over her and lick on lollipops and then stick their blue tongues out at her.

9. She loves to move and is always moving, exercising her arms and legs...she'll even do it in her sleep.

10. She loves to be on the move. If you're holding her, you better be rocking, walking, or swaying, otherwise you're boring, and she lets you know about it. Loudly.

11. Ceiling fans and lights are awesome things to watch in her world.

12. She can look you right in the eye and appear to understand everything you're saying...if she's in the mood to give you her attention, otherwise she's off in her own world, gazing about the room.

13. She loves her bath...or maybe she just loves being bare, 'cause she likes getting her diaper changed too.

And there are thirteen things on the thirteenth I know about my daughter so far. They might be very simple, average details for a nine-week-old, but they make her uniquely her.

Which makes me think about the characters I write. Each little detail about them I create doesn't have to be something big or amazing. They don't have to save the planet in their spare time or hold three different doctorate degrees. I can give them thirteen simple, average qualities and still make them unique and individual and realistic.

So, thank you to my Lydia Marie for teaching me a lesson about writing. I can make good, believable characters using simple, everyday details.

Where's the LIKE Button?

Maybe I've been spoiled too much by Facebook, but who's with me when I say, Blogger needs a "Like" button?

Seriously. I love to go on Facebook, read everyone's comments, and then simply press that link button called LIKE. I don't have to think up something witty or encouraging to say in return; I'm simply letting that person know I read their article and enjoyed it.

Many times, I visit other blogs and am soooooo entertained or inspired by their post, I feel like I SIMPLY MUST leave some kind of comment to let them know how much I appreciated their words. But honestly, they might've said everything so beautifully, there's really nothing for me to include except maybe, "thank you so much for enriching my life with your post."

Other times, I feel like I really have to leave a comment because I ALWAYS visit their blog, and I usually leave a comment; I don't want them to think I've suddenly deserted them. They need to know I stopped by, right?

That's the beauty of Facebook. There's a place to leave a comment if you'd like to input something, but there's that nice little LIKE button too just to let that blogger know they're appreciated.

OR does Blogger already a button like that, and I'm just oblivious to it? Man, that would be embarrassing.

Friday Forwards - # 5

It's Friday Forwards time again (my sharing with you of funny emails I get forwarded to me). If anyone ever finds out where these forwards originate, let me know so I can credit the source. Also, if you have some great jokes you receive on your emails, please feel free to forward them to me at Linda(at)Linda Kage(dot)com and I'll make sure they get posted (but they have to be clean--public forum here, remember!!).

Question & Answers on Pregnancy

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now; when will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishing college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's gender?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So, what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I should be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes. Pregnancy.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.